International efforts to reopen the Strait of Hormuz have encountered the most formidable obstacle yet devised by civilisation: mandatory paperwork. According to the entirely fictional International Bureau of Strategic Queuing, the waterway may resume normal operations only after governments, shipping companies and energy traders complete Form H-27, formally titled “Application to Stop Being Uncertain About Whether Things Are Open.”
The absurd administrative development follows reports that oil prices climbed amid uncertainty over reopening the strait, with Iranian demands clouding the outlook. Markets responded in their customary manner: by converting a lack of information into a price, then staring gravely at the price as though it had arrived bearing wisdom rather than nerves in a necktie.
Form H-27 asks applicants to specify the precise date on which uncertainty will end, identify every future complication in chronological order, and tick one of three boxes marked “stable,” “unstable” and “stable, pending instability.” Supporting documents must include proof that all parties agree on what they disagree about. Any answer containing the phrase “it depends” is returned to the applicant with the phrase “yes, obviously” stamped across it.
“The market cannot obtain certainty until it accurately predicts the outcome of negotiations being held because nobody has certainty,” explained Prudence Barrel, the bureau’s wholly invented director of circular requirements.
Barrel said the form was introduced after officials concluded that geopolitical tension had become too efficient and needed an administrative layer. “Previously, governments issued demands, traders became anxious and oil rose,” she said. “We have now inserted six carbon copies, two notarised forecasts and a queueing number. This is what the international community calls progress when it cannot call anything resolved.”
