£30m Rothbury Estate deal is the worst news frogs have ever had
Researchers say the £30m Northumberland wildlife purchase has triggered a catastrophic drop in local amphibian privacy.
Wildlife groups bought the Rothbury Estate for £30 million on Saturday, causing twenty-six species of local frogs to immediately abandon the habit of mating. Our research team monitored the Northumberland moorland to measure the exact weight of being watched by a national treasure.
We divided the amphibians into two groups. The control group sat in a ditch behind a petrol station in Swindon, where nobody cared what they did. The test group sat on the Rothbury Estate while a crew in waterproof trousers whispered about their damp skin.
The results threaten the survival of biological life on the British Isles. Within twenty-six minutes of the purchase, the Rothbury frogs showed a p-value of 0.001 for acute performance anxiety. A p-value is a number that tells you whether a frog is genuinely stressed or just looks like that.
"We observed a male toad staring at a camera lens for four hours without blinking," said Dr. Alistair Finch, who leads our field stress unit. "He knows that if he eats a beetle wrong, three million people eating Sunday dinner will hear a gentle voice explain his failure."
By contrast, our lab also achieved clean nuclear fusion in a bucket on Saturday afternoon, which will provide free energy forever. That project required almost no paperwork, so we went back to the frogs. They are now hiding under a flat rock until the BBC leaves.
