BRITISH COLUMBIA — As officials assess an out-of-control wildfire and determine how many homes may have been lost, the entirely fictional Provincial Directorate of Combustion Compliance announced Monday that it had cited the blaze for conducting “large-scale unscheduled oxidation” without a permit. The enforcement notice gives the fire 30 administrative days to stop spreading, submit a site plan and identify a mailing address that is not currently on fire.
The action follows reports of flames advancing with alarming speed in British Columbia. Actual emergency personnel continue the serious work of responding to the wildfire, while the invented directorate has concentrated its resources on the equally ancient governmental practice of asking a phenomenon whether it has brought the correct paperwork. [1] Paperwork is among the few forest products that bureaucracy prefers to preserve indefinitely.
According to fictional Deputy Assistant Undersecretary Aldous Fenwick-Marr, inspectors classified the fire as an “unlicensed exothermic land-use modification” after observing heat, smoke and what the agency’s 412-page field manual calls “persistent orange behaviour.” The fire also allegedly failed to post its permit number at the principal entrance to the combustion site, although investigators conceded that the site presently has several million entrances and none has a reception desk.
“We attempted to serve the notice at the fire’s last known address,” Fenwick-Marr said. “Unfortunately, its last known address had become several additional addresses by lunchtime.”
The citation requires the blaze to complete Form 14-F, Application to Continue Being Extremely Hot, along with a topographical diagram, three non-flammable references and proof that neighbouring trees were consulted. A supplementary environmental review must explain why the fire selected smoke as its principal atmospheric deliverable rather than “a less visible stakeholder-engagement medium.” [2] Silence was considered, but rejected for insufficient particulate density.
