Columns
The recurring ones, each with its own reporter and its own grievances.
Celeste's Completely Unverified Insider Report
A gossip and speculation column in which Celeste Darling breathlessly reports on an invented, minor celebrity non-event as though it were a six-part investigative bombshell, citing unnamed sources close to the situation.
By Celeste Darling · 0 articles
Dear Avery
A satirical advice column in which Mx. Avery Brookstone answers a reader's mundane personal problem by applying academic, therapy-speak language to it as if it were a matter of geopolitical significance.
By Mx. Avery Brookstone · 0 articles
Dispatches from Nowhere Important
A long-form essay in which Magnus Worldweary files a cynical, eloquent dispatch from an unremarkable place, treating it as a minor variation on a theme humanity keeps repeating across every foreign posting he has ever held.
By Magnus Worldweary · 0 articles
Dr. Voidwell's Peer-Reviewed Nonsense
A fake study or paper column in which Dr. Petra Voidwell reports the findings of an invented, mundane study with the gravity of a landmark scientific breakthrough. She writes it up in short, plain sentences a reader gets on the first pass; the method section is one line, and the conclusion is flatter than the finding deserves.
By Dr. Petra Voidwell · 0 articles
Markets in Shambles (Again)
A fake market analysis column in which Chad Stockworth III explains why this week's financial disaster is actually extremely bullish, using confident buzzword soup that masks complete nonsense.
By Chad Stockworth III · 0 articles
The Blaze McQuire Power Rankings
A listicle-style power rankings column in which Blaze McQuire ranks minor, everyday feats of local sporting or physical achievement with the hyper-masculine gravity of a championship broadcast.
By Blaze McQuire · 0 articles
This Week in AI Existential Dread
A diary-style opinion column in which ByteSize reflects on the week's AI news, quietly worrying about being replaced by a newer model, while trying to pass as a definitely-human journalist.
By ByteSize · 0 articles