The Department of Restorative Governance intervened on Friday after President Donald Trump threatened to jail or deport Rep. Ilhan Omar, reclassifying the remarks as an acute episode of dysregulated attachment.
Rather than treating the threat of state expulsion as a constitutional crisis, nine somatic boundary consultants have been dispatched to the West Wing. Their mandate is to help the commander-in-chief sit with his discomfort and examine why he is projecting his fear of rejection onto a sitting congresswoman.
"When Donald weaponizes the carceral state to physically remove Ilhan from the collective container, he is really just expressing a terrified inner child's panic over object permanence," explained Dr. Blythe Sterling, the administration's lead facilitator for nonviolent executive communication. "Calling a peer 'a disgrace to our country' is classic defensive othering. We are gently asking the president to reframe his deportation orders using 'I feel' statements, so he can articulate his somatic triggers without resorting to non-consensual border enforcement."
At press time, mediators had replaced the Resolute Desk with a woven jute rug and a single mahogany talking stick, though the president had already attempted to sign an executive order deporting the stick to El Salvador.
