Canvas yurts with cedar essential oil diffusers arrived at the Jerusalem embassy on Sunday morning. The shipment followed US Ambassador Mike Huckabee denouncing the violent settler assault on Washington Post photojournalist Heidi Levine as an act of terror.
Rather than relying on punitive carceral frameworks that only alienate the perpetrators, the State Department has dispatched twenty-six somatic boundary coaches to the West Bank olive harvest. These conflict-transformation specialists will sit alongside masked men carrying wooden clubs and gently ask what unmet childhood needs are driving them to bludgeon members of the international press.
"When an armed group expresses itself by breaking a reporter's bones, we are witnessing a tragic deficit in non-violent communication skills," explained Kinsley Vance, Senior Envoy for Restorative Geopolitics. "I want to hold space for that. By equipping both agricultural workers and paramilitary assailants with felt-tip feelings wheels, we can transform a contested hillside into a brave space for mutual accountability."
Under the new protocol, any settler wishing to swing a club at visiting European diplomats or American journalists must first hold the talking plushie and frame their aggression using "I feel" statements.
