WASHINGTON—Following the frightening malfunction that reportedly left two 13-year-old riders hanging upside down on the Wipe Out at Castaway Cove in Ocean City, New Jersey, federal officials have unveiled the only solution government can apparently imagine: amusement rides that never move. Under the fictional Stillness First rule, roller coasters, spinning attractions and even moderately ambitious carousels would remain permanently stationary while operators recreate excitement using industrial fans, flashing lights and employees shouting, “This is the fast part.”
The real incident, described in a Fox News report, was a serious and terrifying experience for the young riders. Naturally, that means the imaginary Federal Bureau of Recreational Stillness has arrived with a 900-page response written by people who consider a swivel chair an uncontrolled aerial device.
“Motion remains the leading cause of things changing position,” said Prudence Level, acting administrator of the entirely invented bureau. “Our standard eliminates that danger by requiring every ride to end exactly where it began, because it never departed. Guests will still receive the complete thrill experience through wind, sound effects and a trained attendant rapidly moving a landscape painting from left to right.”
“Motion remains the leading cause of things changing position.”
The proposed rule would transform roller coasters into rows of parked seats overlooking decorative steel. Ferris wheels would become patriotic circles. Log flumes would be drained and reclassified as rustic benches. On carousels, the horses could retain their traditional expressions of alarm, but all poles would be inspected hourly to ensure they were not contemplating vertical activity. Regulators insist the policy would preserve “at least 87 percent of the emotional concept of fun,” a measurement produced by placing a clipboard near a funnel cake.
