Syria and Russia have reportedly reached an agreement on the future of the Russian facilities at Tartous and Hmeimim after 18 months of negotiations, a brisk interval by diplomatic standards, in which continents may shift but the refreshments remain unchanged. Under SnarkWire’s wholly invented interpretation of the deal, the bases will now operate as a hotel-style geopolitical loyalty scheme, allowing Moscow to accumulate points for every year it remains diplomatically checked in.
The real agreement was reported as settling the future of the two bases, although the publicly described story contains no rewards programme, complimentary breakfast or late checkout. Those indispensable additions come from the fictional Levant Strategic Hospitality Office, whose imaginary spokesman, Basil Al-Credenza, said the arrangement would replace the vulgar language of basing rights with the more soothing terminology of premium membership.
“Guests staying at Tartous will earn one Sovereignty Point per unresolved clause, while Hmeimim offers double points during periods of strategic ambiguity,” Al-Credenza explained, from behind a desk containing the traditional diplomatic equipment of three folders and no visible conclusion. “Members reaching Imperial Platinum status may request a harbour view, subject to availability, history and several further rounds of talks.”
“Nothing says durable regional settlement quite like a plastic membership card whose terms may be revised without notice.”
The scheme reportedly took 18 months to devise because negotiators first had to determine whether military aircraft counted as personal luggage. A compromise was eventually found: aircraft are to be treated as oversized baggage, naval vessels as spa access, and every communiqué describing discussions as “constructive” will qualify both parties for a complimentary extension. This is, naturally, all absurd invention; the actual reporting concerns a conventional agreement between governments over strategically important facilities.
