Diplomats end grief backlog with one reusable statement of sorrow
After the 7.7-magnitude quake in Indonesia's Flores region, diplomats confirm they have retired the practice of writing new statements and will now simply point at the one on file.
Hours after a real 7.7-magnitude earthquake struck Indonesia's Flores region, the world's diplomats gather in Geneva to unveil a permanent, pre-signed condolence statement covering all disasters in advance. A brass Pledge Wheel now generates commitments of 'substantial' aid, deliverable at a juncture no one has ever located.
GENEVA — Barely six hours after a 7.7-magnitude earthquake struck eastern Indonesia's Flores region on Saturday, killing at least five people and sending thousands scrambling for higher ground, the international diplomatic community moved with uncharacteristic speed — not to the disaster zone, but to a carpeted conference suite in Geneva, where it announced the launch of the Standing Statement of Deep Concern, a single, permanently valid expression of sorrow that will now apply automatically to all catastrophes, past, present and forthcoming.
The statement, laminated for durability and pre-signed by 143 heads of state, reads in full: 'Our thoughts are with the affected region at this difficult time. We stand ready to assist.' Officials confirmed that the phrase 'the affected region' was chosen after months of negotiation precisely because it requires no one to look anything up.
One is reminded, inevitably, of every previous occasion. Which, officials stressed, is entirely the point.
'We were writing the same statement anyway'
The initiative was presented by Hartley Vane-Pemberton, Under-Secretary for Recurring Sympathy at the newly consolidated Office of Perpetual Condolence, a body formed by merging the sympathy departments of forty foreign ministries after auditors noticed they had been issuing the same document since roughly 1908.
'Let us be honest with ourselves for once, briefly, as a treat,' Vane-Pemberton told assembled correspondents. 'Every time the earth moves, the same officials gather around the same mahogany, delete the name of the last country, type in the new one, and press send. The carbon footprint of this charade alone was indefensible. Now the statement simply exists, eternally, like the disasters themselves. Humanity has finally achieved efficiency in the one field where it has genuine, tireless expertise: expressing concern instead of doing anything.'
Pressed on whether the pre-signed statement risked seeming impersonal, Vane-Pemberton looked briefly out of the window, as diplomats do when asked to consider a feeling, and replied that a bespoke statement had never once lifted rubble either.
The sequel nobody asked for, reviewed by everyone
Your correspondent has covered a regrettable number of these openings. The set is always the same: a seismically restless archipelago, a shallow quake, a tsunami warning issued and mercifully lifted, dozens of aftershocks including one of magnitude 6.1, and — arriving with the punctuality the aid itself never manages — the chorus of international dismay. Saturday's dismay was, connoisseurs agreed, a faithful revival of earlier productions, staged with the weary competence of a touring company that stopped rehearsing decades ago.
The Office of Perpetual Condolence has, to its credit, embraced this. Alongside the Standing Statement, it unveiled a Pledge Wheel: an ornamental brass device that, when spun by a visiting dignitary, generates a commitment of assistance described only as 'substantial', 'meaningful' or 'ongoing', with delivery scheduled for 'the appropriate juncture'. The juncture, staff confirmed, has never yet been located, though several expeditions have been dispatched to find it and are believed to be resting comfortably in Davos.
'A bespoke statement has never once lifted rubble either.'
Meanwhile, the actual work — the pulling of neighbours from collapsed houses, the counting of the frightened, the hauling of water uphill — was, as ever, being done by local responders and ordinary Indonesians, none of whom were consulted on the laminate finish.
Innovations in institutional grief
Further refinements are promised. Dr Solveig Marchbanks, the Office's Director of Anticipatory Mourning, revealed that condolences for the next forty years of disasters have already been drafted, notarised and placed in escrow. 'We know, statistically, that the Ring of Fire will keep its appointments,' she said. 'We know the warnings will sound, the aftershocks will come, and the world's attention will hold for approximately one news cycle before a celebrity does something on a boat. Pre-grieving is simply responsible planning. We are, if you like, the actuaries of sorrow.'
Asked whether the escrowed condolences might be exchanged for, say, escrowed funding for early-warning systems, retrofitted buildings and pre-positioned relief supplies — the unglamorous machinery that actually keeps people alive when the ground betrays them — Dr Marchbanks smiled the smile of a woman who has heard the question at every one of these launches since the Ark ran aground.
'That's an operational matter,' she said. 'This is a sympathy matter. The two departments haven't shared a corridor since 1968, and frankly the relationship ended badly.'
Closing notices
By Saturday evening, the Standing Statement had been formally invoked, its brass plaque angled towards the general direction of Flores, where the aftershocks continued and the people who had run uphill in the dark began the long walk back down to see what was left. The international community, satisfied that its concern was now on permanent, self-renewing display, adjourned for drinks.
The plaque, staff noted proudly, requires no maintenance and will outlast us all. It will certainly outlast the attention. History, as ever, declines to take notes.
