Wisconsin’s undecided voters have reportedly achieved a quantum state, remaining politically invisible until the precise moment their ballots are counted. David Crowley’s narrow Democratic gubernatorial primary victory over polling frontrunner Francesca Hong—after Crowley re-entered the race and received outgoing Governor Tony Evers’ endorsement—has therefore been classified as less of a polling miss than a rupture in linear time.
“The polls were entirely correct, but Tuesday occurred at an unauthorized angle,” explained a spokesperson for the fictional National Bureau of Electoral Weather. “Large clouds of undecided voters can suddenly condense into a nominee when exposed to endorsements, voting booths or local television graphics.”
Readers may recall our earlier investigation, “Nobody Dares Look At The Last Ballot... Why?” We looked again. Apparently the last ballot was observing us, which naturally changed its measurable properties. A similar Democratic primary surprise in Michigan involving Abdul El-Sayed confirms the phenomenon may already be crossing state lines.
Pollsters have announced one foolproof reform: the final poll will now be released ten minutes after the winner’s speech.
