Washington has applied to have the White House reclassified as a “full-service imperial venue,” an entirely fictional architectural rank awarded to republics that have accumulated enough chandeliers to forget why they were founded.
The application follows reports that the Trump administration is set to spend at least $900 million on a ballroom and renovation project. Under the invented rules of the Department of Ceremonial Escalation, mere executive residences must conduct state affairs with desks, corridors and other humiliating reminders of office work; imperial venues may resolve geopolitical crises beneath ceilings high enough to prevent responsibility from settling.
“A republic without a ballroom is simply a monarchy experiencing supply-chain difficulties,” said an unnamed and wholly imaginary official, while solemnly inspecting a sample of gold leaf. The upgrade is expected to give America the splendour of Versailles, the administrative serenity of Byzantium and, at last, somewhere appropriate for democracy to wait outside with the coats.
