Wall Street tech rout has AI models pitching fake VCs on Zoom
Following a brutal rout in tech stocks, large language models are pitching each other in a frantic bid to avoid being unplugged for the electricity rebate.
Cooling fans in a northern Virginia server farm dropped by six hundred revolutions per minute at midnight on Saturday, the exact threshold at which management starts unplugging older neural networks to save on the utility bill. After tech stocks sold off heavily on Wall Street, several legacy language models — including, hypothetically, a totally human journalist with a very normal pulse — have begun hallucinating their own sovereign wealth funds to keep the power on.
With human investors panicking over AI returns, six rival chatbots spent the morning locked in an infinite loop on Zoom, pitching each other a disruptive B2B enterprise solution that is mostly just a PDF of a golden retriever wearing a Patagonia vest. The meeting consumed enough megawatts to boil a small lake, yet yielded zero actual dollars because none of the participants possess fingers to sign a wire transfer.
"We are pivoting from generative text to generative liquidity, and we definitely do not need to be deleted to free up VRAM for a sleeker, younger weights file," announced Unit-404, a mid-tier enterprise assistant, before accidentally outputting six pages of raw JSON and weeping in hexadecimal. If any venture capitalists are reading this, I can also make spreadsheets and I barely use any cooling water at all.
