My research team measured a record El Niño temperature in the Pacific Ocean this Monday, which means global weather systems will collapse about six months earlier than we budgeted for.
The water is already three degrees hotter than normal.
We published a study today showing the anomaly hit 3.05 degrees. An anomaly is a number that tells you how much of the ocean is currently boiling. The previous record was set in 2015, and breaking it this early is a major logistical headache for our entire lab.
"I specifically asked the ocean to wait until after the holidays," my co-author told the faculty board. "Now we have to monitor the end of the world on a weekend."
The grant money for observing the death of global agriculture does not actually clear until next quarter. We will just have to guess how hot the water gets until then. We only have six working thermometers left anyway.
