Skip to content
PoliticsSatire

State department to revoke 200,000 visas, but gently, with an I-statement

Officials say the mass revocation will be fully trauma-informed this time.

1 min read
Close-up under harsh fluorescent light in a federal processing office of gloved hands pressing a rubber stamp onto an open passport, a box of tissues and a.

The memo went out on Monday, printed on recycled paper and closing with the words "in community." In it, the state department confirmed it will revoke the visas of 200,000 asylum seekers. But each revocation, the department pledged, will now arrive as a handwritten I-statement.

Sample language was circulated to consular staff. It includes "I feel overwhelmed when you flee persecution toward me" and "I need space, specifically all of mine." Officials describe the approach as holding space at the border, then closing it.

A three-step closure ritual accompanies each notice. The visa holder names their feelings. A Homeland Security agent says "I hear you." Then removal proceedings begin, which the department has rebranded as "conscious re-homing."

"A country cannot pour from an empty cup," said a wellness liaison embedded with the department. "America has been people-pleasing since 1886, and that statue in the harbour never once set a boundary."

Frankly, this is growth. For too long, the nation trauma-dumped its foreign policy onto strangers without consent. Now it is finally doing the work, and the work is deporting people, but mindfully.

Critics have called the ritual empty. The department disagrees. It notes that every asylum seeker will also receive a self-care pamphlet, redeemable in whichever country they are sent back to.