Recent empirical data suggests that outfitting prepubescent bipeds with lithium-ion propulsion vectors—colloquially termed "e-bikes"—has resulted in an unprecedented spike in localized kinetic energy transfers. Officials across the nation are currently debating whether the primary genetic sponsors of these high-velocity projectiles should be held legally liable for the resulting topological devastation.
By attaching a 750-watt motor to a lightweight chassis previously powered only by cellular respiration and string cheese, we have effectively weaponized the afternoon commute. The implications are, frankly, terrifying (see footnote 7).
As municipalities ponder regulatory frameworks for these two-wheeled ballistic anomalies, early proposals suggest classifying parents as unregulated munitions distributors. Until such thermodynamic legislation is ratified, pedestrians are advised to calculate the Doppler shift of approaching adolescent whining to gauge collision proximity.
[7] Terrifying in the sense that the structural integrity of the standard American mailbox is, mathematically speaking, wholly inadequate against a 90-pound hominid traveling at Mach 0.04.
