By Wednesday, fourteen pristine notebooks were completely ruined with bullet points. The autumn urge to set new goals has breached containment. A recent article in The New York Times actually told readers to harness their back-to-school energy for self-improvement. Our team deployed immediately to measure the damage.
The sample size was adequate. It was not. We tracked a control group. A control group is a batch of people we hide from the dangerous thing so we can watch them survive. The exposed subjects suffered a total collapse of their evenings. They bought heavy weights. They downloaded language applications. We calculated the p-value. A p-value tells you if a disaster happened by random chance or on purpose. This disaster was intentional.
The sheer volume of new hobbies threatens the basic fabric of society. We observed subjects attempting to run at dawn. We saw them drinking green liquids. A careful hedge is necessary here. A hedge is a sentence where a scientist admits she might be wrong so nobody sues her. It is possible that one person out of a thousand will actually learn to play the guitar. The rest will just stare at the instrument until winter arrives.
We advise everyone to remain perfectly still until November. Do not buy a planner. Do not buy a fresh pack of pens. If you feel the urge to change your life, sit on the floor in the dark.
