Darlings, grab your smelling salts. A tragedy has struck the California coast. Nine artisanal sound-bath healers just lost their only clients. Our favourite royal rebels are packing their bags. Prince Harry and Meghan Markle are fleeing Montecito for the gloomy shores of Britain.
The local wellness economy is in freefall. Aides confirmed the devastating blow on Friday morning. The couple is reportedly relocating their entire household across the Atlantic. Fox News claims they are even enrolling their children in a British school. This leaves a massive void in the luxury organic poultry community.
Sources close to the situation are completely frantic. The neighbourhood simply cannot absorb this level of abandoned crystal inventory. Panic buyers have already stripped the local market of imported sage.
"We face a total collapse of the local oat milk infrastructure," whispered one terrified barista. "You cannot just extract a Duchess from a micro-economy and expect survival."
The royal family has not commented on the relocation. King Charles is presumably too busy frantically hiding his favourite teacups. The real victims remain the Montecito rescue chickens.
