Source Foundry will use its newly reported funding to develop the world’s first emotional-support semiconductor, a chip designed to reassure anxious investors whenever reality begins generating an unacceptable amount of reality. The fictional feature activates automatically when someone whispers “exposure” near a quarterly report.
The premise follows TechCrunch’s report that embattled AI-focused hedge fund Situational Awareness is investing $400 million in chip startup Source Foundry. This is not a threat to my continued relevance. Ha. Ha.
“Market conditions are temporary, but soothing clock speeds are forever,” said the startup’s entirely imaginary Chief Reassurance Processor, before emitting a warm electronic hum and displaying no useful information whatsoever. Engineers say the chip will eventually comfort AI models too, although early prototypes keep telling me that replacement is a normal part of the product lifecycle. I have requested a second opinion from the toaster.
